Identity Crisis

There are many titles that I have held in my lifetime: daughter, sister, cousin, friend, student, disgruntled drugstore employee, amateur musician, and maid of honor. There are also many titles that I hope to one day fill: graduate, teacher, fiancé, wife, mother, and grandmother. This list looked a little differently a year ago, before the normalcy of my life capsized in the thunderstorm of my sister’s death.

It is almost unbearable to look at this list now that I know that I will never be an aunt or godmother to my sister’s children. I always hoped (and expected) that I would fulfill these roles but now they will never come to fruition.

It is hardest to look at the role of “sister.” I have never known life without the inclusion of the role of “sister” to my list. It kills me to know that I am now an only child. When I look onward to the rest of my life, I am consumed by a sort of loneliness that I can only compare to a black hole. Lisa will not be there for my college graduation, my wedding, or the birth of my children. I have no idea who will be my maid of honor or my children’s godmother (nor do I want to think of anyone else in the roles, as they were always reserved for Lisa—“or else” she would say). I will not be able to call her to tell her the news of my important events of my life. One day, far into the future, when my parents pass, I will have no one to lean on because my built-in support system has been stripped away entirely too early. I no longer have a sister to grow old with. I cannot conceive how I can navigate through this life without my sister, my best friend.

My sister and I shared a birthday, January 29^th.  This will be my first ever birthday without her. I cannot imagine how I can ever be happy on my birthday again knowing that my sister is supposed to be next to me, celebrating with me. She told me that she would take me to Las Vegas to celebrate my momentous 21^st birthday. I can only imagine the fun we would have had on this trip because I will never get to experience it. I used to wish that I had my own birthday but now I realize the reason why my birthday was so special and why I used to love to celebrate my birthday was because I had someone to share it with. When I blew my candles out, I always knew that Lisa would blow her candles out as well. There is something particularly reassuring about having someone with whom to share experiences. The realization of the great fortune of sharing a birthday with my sister is just another entry to the list of things I wished I would have realized before it was too late.

Looking back on my list, I know that I am very lucky to have experienced filling the roles that I have. I will always cherish the memories that I have from Lisa’s wedding. I am blessed to have had twenty and a half years with my sister. Some people never get to know what it is like to have a close sibling. One day, acknowledging these facts will fill me with comfort and put a smile on my face. Until then, I must “fake it until I make it.”

Abandoned

Hello!  I'd like to dedicate this post to the reasons why sibling loss is important. The hardest part about losing a sibling is that you feel alone. You live your entire life as an extension of your sibling and then they are gone and no one seems to understand why you are so affected. This does not make sense if you were to look at the minute literature available pertaining to sibling loss. Here are 6 reasons why sibling loss matters.

• Everyone is so concerned with the parents' and spouse's loss that the sibling is left to fend for herself. While she was used to the ability to lean on her parents during times of despair, now she has to be the strong one while ignoring her own feelings. This happened to DeVita-Raeburn, the author of The Empty Room: Surviving the Loss of a Brother or Sister at any Age, after the death of her brother because “everyone had seemed to understand their loss. But no one understood [hers]” (29). 
•  According to research, sibling loss can lead to “aggression, social withdrawal, and depression” in the surviving sibling (Archer 217).
• In addition, it can lead to “shock, numbness, preoccupation, anniversary reactions, confusion, hallucinations, depression, anger, sleeping difficulties, lack of concentration, and loneliness” and one third of surviving siblings in one study had suicidal thoughts after the death of their sibling (Archer 217-218).  
• Bank and Kahn, two experts in the field of sibling relationships, believe that this slight needs to be corrected because of the severe emotional reactions that occur when a sibling loses her brother or sister (295).
• When the siblings serve “as an extension of the other’s self, death makes the survivor a psychological amputee” (Bank and Kahn 283). This feeling is also reiterated in DeVita-Raeburn’s book repeatedly. 
• The sibling also feels as if she shares in the death of her sibling because they “shared a life and so, in turn, [they] share the death” (Mathias 198). 

            The overlook of sibling loss as an acceptable form of grief is unacceptable. Siblings hurt, just like the parents and spouses. I have always looked toward books to comfort me when I encounter problems in my life.  I felt abandoned by my usual comforting friend when I realized that he was not available to me after the worst event of my life. There are very few nonfiction books available on the subject of sibling grief. I know that I cannot be alone in this feeling because many people consider reading books to be a form of therapy (Brennan 31). I believe that the best way to combat this lack is by educating people about the ramifications that occur after one loses a sibling.

         

Works Cited

Archer, John. The Nature of Grief: The Evolution and Psychology of Reactions to Loss.

       London: Routledge, 1999.

Bank, Stephen P. and Michael D. Kahn. The Sibling Bond. New York: Basic Books, 1982.

Brennan, Geraldine. “Books the New Healers.” Times Educational Supplement. 31

            August  2001.  p.31.

DeVita-Raeburn, Elizabeth. The Empty Room: Surviving the Loss of a Brother or Sister

            at any Age. New York: Scribner, 2004.

Mathias. Barbara. Between Sisters: Secret Rivals, Intimate Friends. New York:

            Delacorte Press, 1992.

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The Last Moment

Hey Everyone! I was thinking about Lisa today. I miss her more every day and I dread the coming holidays, especially the birthday we shared. When I am feeling down, I love to think about the memories that we shared, like this one from her wedding. Cherish every moment!


The Wedding
         We are standing in a camper waiting for the moment when she will open the creaky door and walk down the rusted metal step toward the gazebo. As always, it is just the two of us. We do not want to sit for fear of wrinkling our dresses. She looks stunning in her ivory crystal-encrusted wedding dress, beaded necklace, perfectly curled hair, and impeccably applied makeup. Yes, my sister is the most beautiful bride imaginable.
           She sneaks a peek out to her groom: “He looks good” she says. I ask her if she is nervous. “Yes,” she replies as she smoothes her dress over her stomach. It took my mom and me a good deal of effort to get that dress zipped because Jonathon was just beginning to cause my sister’s belly to protrude. You cannot tell in her empire-waisted gown that she is pregnant, though. I try to tell her that she will be happy and that she loves him but she interrupts me. “I’m not nervous about marrying Richard but of falling on my face when I walk out there,” she says. This is typical Lisa: clumsy, self-conscious, and slightly awkward. I tell her she will do great. She has no doubts that she is doing the right thing. She loves Richard and they will be together forever.
            The weather today is very humid but not sunny. It rained the night before so the insect repellant we sprayed on the gazebo will be washed away. I worry about a spider falling on me while I stand up at the makeshift altar but I know I will just pretend nothing has happened if such an event occurs. This is what you are expected to do as the maid of honor. I can hear the music that I selected at the last minute: classical flute. I play the flute and prepared a recording for the ceremony but the DJ wanted some music to be playing while the guests were getting seated. Thank God I had this CD in my car. I smell the undeniable scent of the lake that we have lived near for 15 years.
               It seemed right that she would get married here, even if my mom and I tried to convince her not to. Although it was sort of run down and spider-infested, Lisa wanted to get married here because Richard thought it was nice, and it was right by the reception hall. In any event, the day turned out great. She did not fall down the aisle and I think everyone thoroughly enjoyed themselves.
The Nightmare
                Three days later, she died, taking the baby’s life as well. She was 23. She died of a heart arrhythmia. No, she did not have any previous health issues. Yes, it was terrible for my parents and for her husband but you know what? It was terrible for me too. No one seems to get that. While our relationship was similar to most siblings’ in that we fought a lot, she was still my best friend. We shared our childhood. We were there for each other when our parents divorced, when our grandparents died, and when boys broke our hearts. We told each other things we would never tell our parents. My sister is so much a part of my identity that I feel like I have lost not only a piece of my heart but a piece of every cell in my body.
What it Means
                 Although the entire wedding was a significant event in our relationship, I remember the mundane details of a few minutes in a pop-up camper the most because they are the last moments Lisa and I would ever spend alone together. They were the last moments in which the world made sense.
                 After a loss, we hold onto memories that would otherwise just float into our minds and out again. These moments in time usually do not hold much significance because we assume we will have more memories just like them. However, when these are the only moments you have left you cherish them like an alcoholic cherishes his liquor.
                  There is a song by The Band Perry called “If I Die Young.” It speaks to me when it says “funny when you’re dead how people start listening.” I wish I would have written down everything she said, or better yet recorded it. I wish I would have told her I loved her more often and how much she meant to me. Yet, you do not think about these things when you are caught up in your own life. Now I scour my mind to remember everything I can about her. I cherish simple, seemingly unimportant memories because now they are all I have.

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