There are many titles that I have held in my lifetime: daughter, sister, cousin, friend, student, disgruntled drugstore employee, amateur musician, and maid of honor. There are also many titles that I hope to one day fill: graduate, teacher, fiancé, wife, mother, and grandmother. This list looked a little differently a year ago, before the normalcy of my life capsized in the thunderstorm of my sister’s death.
It is almost unbearable to look at this list now that I know that I will never be an aunt or godmother to my sister’s children. I always hoped (and expected) that I would fulfill these roles but now they will never come to fruition.
It is hardest to look at the role of “sister.” I have never known life without the inclusion of the role of “sister” to my list. It kills me to know that I am now an only child. When I look onward to the rest of my life, I am consumed by a sort of loneliness that I can only compare to a black hole. Lisa will not be there for my college graduation, my wedding, or the birth of my children. I have no idea who will be my maid of honor or my children’s godmother (nor do I want to think of anyone else in the roles, as they were always reserved for Lisa—“or else” she would say). I will not be able to call her to tell her the news of my important events of my life. One day, far into the future, when my parents pass, I will have no one to lean on because my built-in support system has been stripped away entirely too early. I no longer have a sister to grow old with. I cannot conceive how I can navigate through this life without my sister, my best friend.
My sister and I shared a birthday, January 29th. This will be my first ever birthday without her. I cannot imagine how I can ever be happy on my birthday again knowing that my sister is supposed to be next to me, celebrating with me. She told me that she would take me to Las Vegas to celebrate my momentous 21st birthday. I can only imagine the fun we would have had on this trip because I will never get to experience it. I used to wish that I had my own birthday but now I realize the reason why my birthday was so special and why I used to love to celebrate my birthday was because I had someone to share it with. When I blew my candles out, I always knew that Lisa would blow her candles out as well. There is something particularly reassuring about having someone with whom to share experiences. The realization of the great fortune of sharing a birthday with my sister is just another entry to the list of things I wished I would have realized before it was too late.
Looking back on my list, I know that I am very lucky to have experienced filling the roles that I have. I will always cherish the memories that I have from Lisa’s wedding. I am blessed to have had twenty and a half years with my sister. Some people never get to know what it is like to have a close sibling. One day, acknowledging these facts will fill me with comfort and put a smile on my face. Until then, I must “fake it until I make it.”
